A Word From Joe Shmuck Himself
Howdy stranger and welcome to my humble little corner of the World Wide Web, dedicated entirely to the greatest beverage known to mankind: BEER. I built this site myself using nothing but a rusty keyboard, three cans of pale ale, and pure determination. My wife says I spend too much time on this. My hamsters disagree, mostly because they don't have opinions, they just sit there being delicious little snacks for whoever's brave enough to try one, ha ha, don't worry PETA I'm kidding, mostly.
Anyway. Beer. Let's talk beer. You know why beer never gets lost? Because it always finds its way back to the barley. My buddy Steve says he doesn't drink beer because it makes him mean. I told him that's not the beer talking, that's just him. He didn't laugh but I thought it was pretty good considering I came up with it at 2am while reorganizing my bottle cap collection, which by the way, if you want to see, scroll down to the Bottle Cap Hall of Fame, it's under construction like everything else here.
My old man used to say a good IPA is like a good marriage: bitter, a little cloudy, and somehow you keep coming back for more. He also used to say a lot of things after his fourth beer that my mom made him apologize for later, but that's a different website entirely, possibly one that doesn't exist yet, I'll get to it.
Joe's Beer Menu
| Brew | Style | Price |
|---|---|---|
| Rusty Keyboard Ale | Pale Ale | $5 |
| Basement Fermenter IPA | IPA | $6 |
| 2AM Bottle Cap Stout | Stout | $7 |
| Steve's Not Mean, You're Mean Lager | Lager | $4 |
| Old Man's Fourth Beer | Amber | $5 |
| Cenosillicaphobia Cure | Pilsner | $6 |
| Liquid Bread Dubbel | Belgian Dubbel | $8 |
Prices subject to change based on how many hamsters I've fed today.
The Hamster Corner
Yes, I know, you're all here for the hamsters, don't lie. Behold: my prized Golden Syrian hamster collection, raised right here in my basement next to the fermentation tanks, which honestly might explain a few things about the flavor profile of my homebrew. People always ask "Joe, why do you have forty hamsters" and the answer is simple: snacks don't grow on trees, they grow in cages, and mine are extra crispy after a light seasoning of my Amber Ale reduction sauce. My nephew tried to make one a pet once. We had a long talk about priorities.
[Photo of Mr. Nibbles the hamster coming soon, he's marinating]
Fun fact: hamsters have cheek pouches that stretch back to their shoulders, which is exactly why Mr. Nibbles can hold three peanuts and still give you a dirty look about it. My nephew named all forty of them, which was a mistake, because now I have to say "sorry about Gerald" out loud sometimes and nobody in the room knows why.
Beer Facts Joe Learned At The Bar
Did you know monks used to drink beer during Lent because it counted as "liquid bread"? I tried explaining this to my doctor and he did not accept it as a food group, but the monks knew what was up. Also, the fear of an empty beer glass is a real word in German, Cenosillicaphobia, and I have never once in my life experienced it because I refill faster than a bartender can say last call.